Mudra's Day

How does one celebrate this occasion if you have fetal issues with the person who bore you for nine months?


I have been admonished to simply give reverence to the matriarchs of the clan because without them, i will not be alive.  Although true, i would always rebut saying that i was never a product of catholic inspired procreation: no prayers were done before the deed; no incense was burned to consecrate me; no fish was offered to drive the evil spirits away.  In fact, i think lust took over and by chance, something was formed, ME.  And to top it all off, you just had to continuously drum that i had to be a boy.  So sorry for not recognizing your moral authority!!!


How does one appreciate someone who does not accept you for who you are?


I know that you wanted a boy after the eldest girl.  I know you wanted the acceptance of the family who rejected you by giving them their first male grandson.  I know you wanted to protect me from a life that you thought would hurt me for being gay.  But telling me to firm up so that i would not be bullied really didn't help.  What i needed was for you to accept me for who i am.  It would not have mattered what other people told me so long as i knew that i could run to you when the world was bad to me.  I know you did what you thought best.  I though you would have learned from history, i thought wrong!


How does one care for someone who has only provided?


You worked you ass to give us a better life.  You were strict with our school work and tests.  You made sure we had clothes to wear.  But more than that, whatever was happening within, the struggles i had, i was always at fault, i was always wrong, i had to always be the one to adjust. So that's how i relate to you, by providing, nothing more!  I hope that there will come a day that i would have paid back in full all the investments you made in me.  Then, maybe, i could be free of you!


How does one move on from this realization?


You are the shadow that i don't want to see or face.  Many have told me that i really take after you...mannerism, good and bad attitude, even my physical appearance.  I would like things to get better with us, i just don't know where to begin and how to avoid making each encounter explosive!


Anyone?

14th Day of Nisan

Over the Holy weekend, people i met in the places i frequent kept asking me the same question: "Where will you be over the long break?"  "Just in Manila," i would answer, "my family's umbilical cord is perpetually attached to the Holy Mother Church during this important feast, vacationing is not an option."  I have stopped going to Church for several years now; partly because coming to terms with my homosexuality, i needed the space to discover who i am without all the unsolicited religious advice on who i should be, and partly because i could not stand some people (let us not name names!!!) in church.  But during the different Catholic seasons, i remember most of the religious things that were taught to me.

So it was last Saturday when it occurred to me, upon seeing the brightness of the full moon, that this year's Jewish celebration of the Passover coincided with the Catholic feast of the Pascal Triduum.  The 14th day of Nisan marks the beginning of the commemoration of Yahweh's deliverance of Israel from the slavery of Egypt.  The Fathers of the Catholic Church believed that working on this template, Jesus (a Jew himself) fulfilled the eschatological promise by freeing us from the slavery of Death.

At first, i was gripped with fear thinking (influenced by all this 2012-end-of-the-world hype) that the apocalyptic trumpets will sound and i will not be part of the righteous!  But when i stepped back and looked at things in its proper perspective, i realized that the God i know is not a cruel God; fear is not part of His skill sets. Whew!  Buti na lang!!!

Come Easter morning, as i was doing my (late) morning walk, i was thinking about how with a single act by Jesus, he was able to transform the old to something new.  It dawned upon me the possibility of redefining my spirituality to be consistent with who i am: gay, vhading, becki.  Somewhere inside me, there lingered a small voice condemning me to the eternal sulfuric flames because i am homosexual; but today, that pesky sound was extinguished!  I seem to have found an egg that needs to be broken!  And for the first time in many years since leaving the church, i can say that i am deeply happy for this realization.  It definitely doesn't mean that i will be following Papa-Ratzi's flock any time soon, it just means that i can resume my relationship with God with no more pretensions.  Happy Easter!