14th Day of Nisan

Over the Holy weekend, people i met in the places i frequent kept asking me the same question: "Where will you be over the long break?"  "Just in Manila," i would answer, "my family's umbilical cord is perpetually attached to the Holy Mother Church during this important feast, vacationing is not an option."  I have stopped going to Church for several years now; partly because coming to terms with my homosexuality, i needed the space to discover who i am without all the unsolicited religious advice on who i should be, and partly because i could not stand some people (let us not name names!!!) in church.  But during the different Catholic seasons, i remember most of the religious things that were taught to me.

So it was last Saturday when it occurred to me, upon seeing the brightness of the full moon, that this year's Jewish celebration of the Passover coincided with the Catholic feast of the Pascal Triduum.  The 14th day of Nisan marks the beginning of the commemoration of Yahweh's deliverance of Israel from the slavery of Egypt.  The Fathers of the Catholic Church believed that working on this template, Jesus (a Jew himself) fulfilled the eschatological promise by freeing us from the slavery of Death.

At first, i was gripped with fear thinking (influenced by all this 2012-end-of-the-world hype) that the apocalyptic trumpets will sound and i will not be part of the righteous!  But when i stepped back and looked at things in its proper perspective, i realized that the God i know is not a cruel God; fear is not part of His skill sets. Whew!  Buti na lang!!!

Come Easter morning, as i was doing my (late) morning walk, i was thinking about how with a single act by Jesus, he was able to transform the old to something new.  It dawned upon me the possibility of redefining my spirituality to be consistent with who i am: gay, vhading, becki.  Somewhere inside me, there lingered a small voice condemning me to the eternal sulfuric flames because i am homosexual; but today, that pesky sound was extinguished!  I seem to have found an egg that needs to be broken!  And for the first time in many years since leaving the church, i can say that i am deeply happy for this realization.  It definitely doesn't mean that i will be following Papa-Ratzi's flock any time soon, it just means that i can resume my relationship with God with no more pretensions.  Happy Easter!